Seeing the Sun Again
by Sgt. Psycho
Summary: After Gray-Brown Odyssey, Goldman makes it through the night


Seeing the Sun Again  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, so don't sue me, okay?  
  
We don't go looking for darkness, at least that's what I believe. I believe darkness creeps up on us through the jungle, slowly smothering everything we once thought familiar. When you're least expecting it the world will suddenly be blacker than the most sinister shadow. There won't be anything left for you to see because you'll have seen it all. It's a long story, and it'll be longer still if we keep letting the darkness sneak up behind us.  
  
They decided my injuries weren't serious. A few cuts and bruises and my eyes were fine by then. It was already getting dark. Funny, because I had already spent so much time in the dark. They sent us back on a supply ship making a quick, late run to the base. Horne and I, we were pretty much sticking together by then. He didn't want to leave, wanted to know if I was all right, but more importantly, he wanted to know the story. I didn't tell him.  
  
While being treated, I didn't see Nikki, and I was glad. I don't think I would have been able to face her. It feels strange to admit it to myself now. They say when two people are thrown together in hard times they share a bond closer than any friend or lover. I know it's the truth. I love Nikki but I wonder as I will always wonder, did I love Li Kiem more? And did she feel the same way? We were for a while closer than any lover; together we shared darkness and death. Nikki wouldn't understand if I tried to confide in her but at this point I don't either.   
  
Horne and I rode on the chopper in silence. I couldn't see his face, covered in shadows, but I knew he was watching me. His brown eyes would try to find the answers in my actions rather than my words. I turned and looked out over the quickly passing jungle that was now a sea of shadows. Somewhere down there she lay, her body decomposing and that strange intellectual beauty gone, carried off by the wind, the body smothered by nightfall.  
  
I had to report to my commanding officer when we landed. And report I did, in full. I told him about the ambush, about the prisoner, about her death. He simply nodded when I concluded, asking for a written report, but even in his dimly lit hootch I could see the disgust on his face, another lost prisoner, and the small look of suspicion he gave me. Could I have let her go? Could I have gone against all that I had learned to save her life from torture? No. That's the answer, because she would have killed again. And I still will.  
  
I think Sgt. Anderson knew there was something wrong. Horne spoke to him. Doesn't matter, he wouldn't understand as much as he wishes to believe he would. He didn't see the world through another's eyes. He'll only see them through his own. He tried to approach me and I pushed him away. For once I was thankful I did so. Some things just aren't meant to be known. They are secrets that will be kept until the day I die and find the darkness once more. In that darkness though, I know I'll find what I'm looking for.  
  
She didn't trust me. She tried to kill me. I tried to kill her. It was an unending cycle and still is. She knew as well as I do now. I wonder if she knew she was damned. It is a train of thought I do not wish to follow. Yet here I am pondering, lying awake with a cigarette hanging from the corner of my mouth, my body soaked in sweat. I should get up and end this; it's all in the past.   
  
What is it Sgt. Anderson says? It don't mean nothin'.   
  
I push myself from my bed. I grab a fresh uniform and pull it on. I am nearly blind in my hootch, the shadows are so thick. They have been keeping me company for the past agonizing hours, trying perhaps to take from me what it took from her.   
  
A hopelessly lost cause.   
  
I didn't sleep. I didn't even try because I already knew it would be as hopeless as saving her. I come out of my dark hole into the stuffy night air only to see with some surprise others up and about, wondering aimlessly, perimeter guards switching shifts, some still trying to wipe the sleep out of their eyes. I move foreword turning my attention to the east. I can see the red, orange and gold markings of dawn.  
  
Enjoy the sunset, Goldman, her final words.  
  
I've spent my time in the dark, finding my answers to silent questions, opening myself to another side of the story. I've made my journey. Right now it is not the sunset I need to look towards. I have survived. I have risen from dark depths and now I'm here as I was before. I made a silent promise to her. I promised I would enjoy the sunset, set everything aside for it, but not now.  
  
Now I'm seeing the sun again. 


End file.
